‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the home,
The kids had gone nuts and wouldn’t leave mom alone.
She scrambled through dinner and rushed through their baths,
And put them in jammies, her small psychopaths.
Then they took off running with a scream and a shout,
While mom followed hoping for no diaper blowout.
Would the pretty wrapped gifts sitting under the tree,
Last through the night or be wrecked happily?
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But the kids knocked them down and she wanted to swear.
She dreamed of her youngsters all snug in their beds,
As visions of Merlot danced in her head.
The baby pulled tissue from bags with a laugh,
Under a tree with ornaments only on the top half.
When mom snuck away to get wine for herself,
And pondered of something for the Elf on the Shelf.
“Where’s Santa live?” “How high does he fly?!”
“I don’t freakin know” she thinks in her mind.
“Do reindeer poop” her kid asks for the tenth time,
So many questions, the mom chugs her wine.
When somewhere in the house, there arose such a clatter,
She ran to the den to see what’s the matter.
Then she sees the Christmas tree lying on the floor,
The giant baby gate protecting it did no more.
Then she hears the baby laugh and peek out from behind,
Covered in tree sap, she’ll need some more wine.
Back to the bathroom she ran like a flash,
And undressed the baby for her second bath.
Threats of no presents and Santa’s naughty list,
The mom has had enough of both the kids’ shit.
Off to bed for them both, she’s got work to do,
Filling stockings and re-stuffing bags with tissue.
When 3am hit, she was finally done,
At least she had 4 hours until she saw sun.
She lay her head on the pillow and then shut her eyes,
And 2 hours later, her children did rise.
With bloodshot eyes and messy mom hair,
She got out of bed and stumbled downstairs.
Kids jumping and screaming with a leap and a bound,
While yelling about presents and running around.
The coffee unbrewed and no Starbucks open,
In just a few minutes all rules had been broken.
Kids were unwrapping presents with no supervision,
How’d they end up on the nice list? Who made this decision?
As she sat with her husband to watch the beautiful mess,
She realized this moment was worth all the stress.
She felt peaceful and happy as she took a sip from her glass,
Because instead of coffee she poured scotch from a flask.
And away the ribbons and bows flew like wood from a chipper,
And the wrapping paper was pulled off faster than clothes off a stripper.
But she heard her kids scream “You guys are the best!”
So Merry Christmas to all! Now she needs some damn rest.