Hair in a messy bun, yoga pants, sweatshirt with either food, milk or both on it. Tired eyes, unshaved legs and a Target receipt hanging out of her purse.
Grocery stores, playgrounds, doctor’s offices or her residence.
Lara Bars, leftover goldfish she found in an old ziploc bag in the bottom of her purse or the remainder of the sandwich her child didn’t finish.
Wine. But if it’s during her daylight hours, anything with caffeine.
Behavior While in Captivity
While in her natural habitat of her dwelling, the Mom thrives in chaos. You’ll find her tending to her young and trying to teach them how to behave when they leave the residence. She attempts to clothe her offspring and remind them that loud screaming will only draw attention and put them at risk from her biggest natural threat…judgement from other Moms.
She attempts to feed her babies but she has not provided adequate food to the children’s liking. She must try again later. When she finally gets her babies to sleep, she roams through her lair picking up the many items her brood has left carelessly about.
She is somewhat productive in her day to day life in her den. But seems to be in a zombie-like state during this time.
Behavior While Out in the Wild
The Mom is unrecognizable while not in her dwelling. She seems scared and overwhelmed by the many bright lights, fresh air and distractions. She clings on to her young while her head swivels back and forth looking for any and all temptations that her children won’t be able to resist.
In one instance, she attempts to go to a grocery store to acquire food for her dwelling. Immediately, her children separate and start running in opposite directions. The Mom springs into action. It is now that you realize her rarely seen athletic side.
She moves swift and fast like a gazelle. She navigates around an old lady on a motorized cart, leaps over empty cardboard boxes and acquires one offspring. Now on to the second one. She stands motionless, listening for the child. She hears “COOKIES!”
Off she goes, carrying one child over her shoulder and her purse on the other. She spots her child in the bakery aisle with a container of cookies trying to open them. Like a ninja, she grabs the Boogie Wipes from her bag and hurls them 20ft across the store, knocking the container of cookies out of her child’s hands. The Mom then gives her offspring what is known as the Death Stare. She locks eyes with the child and telepathically tells her she better come here…or ELSE.
The Mom regroups her tribe, grabs only the essential food items and leaves the store to go back to the safe confines of her home. It can sometimes be days before she attempts to go back out in the wild.
Encountering a Mom in the Wild
If you come across a Mom in the wild, you’re advised to keep your distance at first. If she has a toddler or multiple toddlers she’s probably high-strung and stressed out. She may bite. Keep your distance.
If she has a baby, older child or a glass of wine, it’s probably okay to approach her. Don’t comment on any stains on her shirt, goldfish in her hair or that she has 2 different shoes on. This is a common look in this species.
Refrain from talking about how wonderfully organized your life is, a vacation you just took or the fact that your spawn can already read or sleep through the night. This will anger the Mom. It’s best to communicate the flaws of your parenting skills. Doing this will make the Mom feel comfortable with you.